englische witze |
Nicky
kico4u - Admin
  
Dabei seit: 08.06.2002
Beiträge: 8.277
Herkunft: Blackburn,Lancashire
, England
Schulart und Klasse: Ich helfe gerne bis einschließlich 10. Schuljahr.
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A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
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"Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together"
by Woodrow Wilson
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02.09.2003 20:24 |
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Nicky
kico4u - Admin
Dabei seit: 08.06.2002
Beiträge: 8.277
Herkunft: Blackburn,Lancashire
, England
Schulart und Klasse: Ich helfe gerne bis einschließlich 10. Schuljahr.
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WHEN I GROW UP
The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room.
"A football player."
"A doctor."
"An astronaut."
"The President."
"A fireman."
"A teacher."
"A race car driver."
Everyone that is, except Tommy.
The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still.
So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Possible," Tommy replied.
"Possible?" asked the teacher.
"Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."
__________________
"Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together"
by Woodrow Wilson
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04.09.2003 18:26 |
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Nicky
kico4u - Admin
Dabei seit: 08.06.2002
Beiträge: 8.277
Herkunft: Blackburn,Lancashire
, England
Schulart und Klasse: Ich helfe gerne bis einschließlich 10. Schuljahr.
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Children's Prayers:
Dear God: This is my prayer. Could you please give my brother some brains. So far he doesn't have any.
Angela, 8
Dear Lord: Thank you for the nice day today. You even fooled the TV weather man.
Hank, 7
Dear God: Please help me is school. I need help in spelling, adding, history, geography and writing. I don't need help in anything else.
Lois, 9
Dear God: I need a raise in my allowance. Could you have one of your angels tell my father. Thank you.
David, 7
Dear God: I am saying my prayers for me and my brother, Billy, because Billy is six months old and he can't do anything but sleep and wet his diapers.
Diane, 8
__________________
"Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together"
by Woodrow Wilson
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11.09.2003 07:50 |
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Crusher 
No.2
Dabei seit: 09.06.2002
Beiträge: 965
Herkunft: Lancaster
Schulart und Klasse: Lancaster University
Themenstarter 
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Two strangers meet in London. They start a conversation but they usually have to use their dictionary quite often.
Hello, Sir! How goes it you?
Oh, thank you for the afterquestion.
Are your already long here?
No, first a pair days. Im not out London.
Thunderweather, that overrushes me, you see not so out.
That can yes beforecome. But now what other: my hairs stood to mountains as I the traffic saw. So much cars gives it here.
You are heavy on the woodway if you believe that in London horsedroveworks go.
Will we now drink a beer? My throat is outdried. But look, there is a guesthouse, let us there man go!
That is a good idea. Equal goes it loose, I will only my shoeband close.
Here we are. Make me please the door open.
But there is a beforehangingcastle, the economy is to. How sorry! Then I will go back to the hotel, it is already retard. On againsee!
Oh, yes, I will too go. I must become my draught to Bristol. Auf wiedersehen!
Nanu, sie sind Deutscher?
Ja, sie auch? Das wundert mich aber. Ihr Englisch ist so hervorragend, dass ich es gar nicht bemerkt haette...
And then they made them me-nothing you-nothing out of the dust.
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19.09.2003 21:33 |
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Newcomer
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Why did the dump blond climb over the glas wall?
To see what is on the other side!!!
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19.09.2003 21:47 |
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Crusher
No.2
Dabei seit: 09.06.2002
Beiträge: 965
Herkunft: Lancaster
Schulart und Klasse: Lancaster University
Themenstarter
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lol...that one is good...
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19.09.2003 21:48 |
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Newcomer
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More jokes about the dump blond? - No problem, I´ve a book with many jokes more:
Blondie und zwei freundinnen fliegen nach New York. An der Hotelbar versucht sie ihre Bildung zu zeigen:
"One martini, please."
"Dry?", fragt der Kellner.
"No! Just one!"
But you should know: I´ve nothing against blond girls!
| Zitat: | Ob schwarz, ob blond, ob braun,
ich liebe alle Frauen!!! |
| Zitat: | | Nobody is perfect, but who´s Nobody? |
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22.09.2003 16:51 |
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Newcomer
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What do you call a dumb blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year´s hide-and-seek champion.
(hide-and-seek = Versteck-Spiel)
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22.09.2003 16:57 |
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Nicky
kico4u - Admin
Dabei seit: 08.06.2002
Beiträge: 8.277
Herkunft: Blackburn,Lancashire
, England
Schulart und Klasse: Ich helfe gerne bis einschließlich 10. Schuljahr.
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| If you want to feel like a dummy |
   
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WHAT DO YOU PUT IN A TOASTER?
ANSWER: BREAD.... IF YOU SAID "TOAST" THEN GIVE UP NOW AND GO AND FIND YOURSELF A SHOE BOX AS YOU CAN'T HANDLE LIFE.... IF YOU SAID "BREAD" THEN PLEASE PROGRESS ON TO QUESTION 2
Q2) SAY "SILK" 5 TIMES, NOW SPELL "SILK".....WHAT DO COWS DRINK?
ANSWER: "WATER"
IF YOU SAID "MILK," THEN MAY I SUGGEST THAT YOU DO NOT TRY THE NEXT QUESTION, AS IT MAY SEEM THAT YOUR BRAIN CELL IS OVER - TAXED, YOU NEED A HOLIDAY...MAY I SUGGEST CHILDREN'S WORLD?
IF YOU SAID "WATER" THEN YOU MAY GO ONTO QUESTION 3
(Q3) IF A RED HOUSE IS MADE FROM RED BRICKS, A BLUE HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLUE BRICKS, A PINK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF PINK BRICKS, A BLACK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLACK BRICKS.... WHAT IS A GREEN HOUSE MADE OUT OF?
ANSWER: "GLASS" IF YOU SAID "GREEN BRICKS" THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE READING THESE QUESTIONS!!!!
IF YOU SAID "GLASS" THEN PLEASE PROGRESS ONTO QUESTION 4
(Q4) 20 YEARS AGO A PLANE IS FLYING AT 20,000 FT, OVER THE OLD COUNTRY GERMANY WHEN 2 OF THE ENGINES FAIL, THE PILOT REALIZING THAT THE LAST REMAINING ENGINE WAS FAILING, HE DECIDES A CRASH
LANDING PROCEDURE, BUT UNFORTUNATELY THE ENGINE FAILS BEFORE TIME AND THE PLANE CRASHES SMACK BANG IN THE MIDDLE OF "NO MANS LAND" THE LAND BETWEEN EAST GERMANY AND WEST GERMANY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BERLIN WALL, .....WHERE WOULD YOU BURY THE SURVIVORS EAST GERMANY, WEST GERMANY OR IN "NO MANS LAND"? !
ANSWER: YOU DON'T BURY "SURVIVORS" IF YOU SAID ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE SENTENCE ABOVE THEN PLEASE NEVER FLY, YOU MAY CAUSE
MORE DAMAGE SHOULD THE PLANE CRASH!!!
IF YOU SAID THE SENTENCE ABOVE THEN CARRY ON TO QUESTION 5
Q5) IF ON A CLOCK THE HOUR HAND MOVES 1/60th OF A DEGREE EVERY MINUTE THEN HOW MANY DEGREES WILL THE HOUR HAND TRAVEL IN 1 HOUR?
ANSWER: "1 DEGREE" IF YOU SAID "360 DEGREES", OR ANYTHING OTHER
THAN THE ANSWER, MAY I CONGRATULATE YOU ON GETTING THIS FAR...BUT BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THE LAST AND FINAL QUESTION?
IF YOU SAID "1 DEGREE" THEN PLEASE GO ON TO THE LAST QUESTION
Q6) **WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR** YOU ARE DRIVING A BUS FROM LONDON TO MILFORD HAVEN (WALES) IN LONDON 17 PEOPLE GET ON THE BUS, IN READING 6 PEOPLE GET OFF, 9 PEOPLE GET ON, IN SWINDON 2 PEOPLE GET OFF, 4 PEOPLE GET ON, IN CARDIFF 11 PEOPLE GET OFF, 16 PEOPLE GET ON, IN SWANSEA 3 PEOPLE GET OFF, 5 PEOPLE GET ON, IN CARMARTHEN, 6 PEOPLE GET OFF, 3 PEOPLE GET ON THE BUS THEN PULLS INTO MILFORD HAVEN BUS DEPOT..... WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE BUS DRIVER?
ANSWER: "YOUR NAME." READ THE FIRST LINE
__________________
"Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together"
by Woodrow Wilson
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24.09.2003 14:21 |
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Nicky
kico4u - Admin
Dabei seit: 08.06.2002
Beiträge: 8.277
Herkunft: Blackburn,Lancashire
, England
Schulart und Klasse: Ich helfe gerne bis einschließlich 10. Schuljahr.
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WHY I WANT TO BE A PILOT
When I grow up I want to be a pilot because it's a fun job and easy to do. That's why there are so many pilots flying around these days.
Pilots don't need much school. They just have to learn to read numbers so they can read their instruments.
I guess they should be able to read a road map, too.
Pilots should be brave so they won't get scared it it's foggy and they can't see, or if a wing or motor falls off.
Pilots have to have good eyes to see through the clouds, and they can't be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are much closer to them than we are.
The salary pilots make is another thing I like. They make more money than they know what to do with. This is because most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots don't because they know how easy it is.
I hope I don't get airsick because I get carsick and if I get airsick, I couldn't be a pilot and then I would have to go to work.
— reported to have been written by a fifth grade student at Jefferson School, Beaufort, SC. It was first published in the South Carolina Aviation News
__________________
"Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together"
by Woodrow Wilson
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03.10.2003 06:09 |
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Nicky
kico4u - Admin
Dabei seit: 08.06.2002
Beiträge: 8.277
Herkunft: Blackburn,Lancashire
, England
Schulart und Klasse: Ich helfe gerne bis einschließlich 10. Schuljahr.
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| A letter from a little girl |
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I'm putting in this as an exception (absolute Ausnahme). I don't like bad language on this board, but I found this so cute I had to put it up.
Best wishes,
Nicky
| Dateianhang: |
 nicola.gif (10 KB, 69 mal heruntergeladen)
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__________________
"Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together"
by Woodrow Wilson
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03.10.2003 06:12 |
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Newcomer
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The bear and the rabbit
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.
It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."
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28.10.2003 18:29 |
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Newcomer
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Pig In A Bar
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''
Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''
And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''
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28.10.2003 18:33 |
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Nicky
kico4u - Admin
Dabei seit: 08.06.2002
Beiträge: 8.277
Herkunft: Blackburn,Lancashire
, England
Schulart und Klasse: Ich helfe gerne bis einschließlich 10. Schuljahr.
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Hide and seek
Mr & Mrs Levy had two sons. They were brothers, of course. One brother was called MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS and the other brother was called TROUBLE.
One day, the two brothers were playing hide and seek in the street and it was TROUBLE’s turn to hide. While MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS was counting to 100, TROUBLE ran down the street and hid inside a thick hedge.
Then MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS started looking for his brother. He looked behind some trees, he looked inside some cars parked in the street and he even looked under the cars, but he couldn’t find his brother. But when MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS started to look inside dustbins, a policeman saw him doing this and came over to have a word with him.
The policeman said, “And what, may I ask, are you doing little boy?”
And the boy replied, “Playing a game.”
The policeman then asked, “What’s your name?”
And the boy replied, “MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.”
The Policeman got angry and said loudly, “Are you looking for trouble?”
And the boy replied, “Yes.”
__________________
"Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together"
by Woodrow Wilson
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17.11.2003 16:22 |
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Nicky
kico4u - Admin
Dabei seit: 08.06.2002
Beiträge: 8.277
Herkunft: Blackburn,Lancashire
, England
Schulart und Klasse: Ich helfe gerne bis einschließlich 10. Schuljahr.
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Angry teacher
Little Becky was telling her best friend Ruth all about school.
Becky says, “My teacher shouted at me today for something I didn't do.”
So what was that?” asks Ruth.
Becky replies, “My homework.”
__________________
"Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together"
by Woodrow Wilson
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17.11.2003 16:23 |
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OMI
unregistriert
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HI nicky ich habe dir mal gesagt dass ich ein paar witze bsorge und hier sind sie
ich habe sie selber noch gar nciht durgelesen aber mache ich jetzt
One night a torrential storm hits South Carolina!! Next morning all the houses are under six foot of water!!
Mrs Brown and Mrs Smith are on the roof chatting when Mrs Brown notices a lonely baseball cap floating on the water!!
As she watches it, she notices that it moves to the house and then back out towards the front of the yard!!
She stares at this cap for ages before turning to Mrs Smith and questioning her!! "Mrs Smith, do you see that lone baseball cap floating to and from the house??"
Mrs Smith looks at her and says "Yes thats my husband, i told him that he was going to mow the lawn today come hell or high water!!!"
Joanne (19), Reading, UK
An English man and Irish man and a blonde are at a cliff top!! An angel comes along and tells them that they are to jump off the cliff and whatever they shout out, they will become it!!
The English man jumps and shout out "Eagle" and he becomes an eagle and flys away!!!
The Irish man shouts out "Dove" and he becomes a dove and flys away!!!
The blonde moves forwards, trips and Yells "****"!!
Joanne (19), Reading, UK
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive BLONDE female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which the BLONDE replied,"There certainly is! "My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it.
He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
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19.12.2003 16:13 |
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Nicky
kico4u - Admin
Dabei seit: 08.06.2002
Beiträge: 8.277
Herkunft: Blackburn,Lancashire
, England
Schulart und Klasse: Ich helfe gerne bis einschließlich 10. Schuljahr.
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1. I have 12 legs, 12 arms and 8 heads. What am I?
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..Answer - A liar.
2. Which bus crossed the ocean?
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.Answer - Columbus
3. What did the traffic lights say to the car?
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.Answer - Don't look now. I'm changing!
4. What is the longest word in the English language?
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.Answer - "Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!
5. What word begins with "e", ends with "e", and has one letter?
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.Answer - Envelope!
__________________
"Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together"
by Woodrow Wilson
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03.01.2004 19:16 |
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london
unregistriert
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19.01.2004 16:44 |
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Nicky
kico4u - Admin
Dabei seit: 08.06.2002
Beiträge: 8.277
Herkunft: Blackburn,Lancashire
, England
Schulart und Klasse: Ich helfe gerne bis einschließlich 10. Schuljahr.
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That was good. However, not only women are bad back seat drivers but also men 
On the other hand I think my friend is the worst back seat driver that I have ever met 
__________________
"Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together"
by Woodrow Wilson
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19.01.2004 17:57 |
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Tine
Board Specialist
Dabei seit: 08.02.2004
Beiträge: 368
Herkunft: Wiernsheim
Schulart und Klasse: VH, A New Start, Cornelsen & OXFORD
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We were on a very stormy sea voyage and my wife was very seasick. The captain came to our table and said to her:
"Don't worry, you'll live."
"Don't say that," whispered my wife, it's only the thought of dying that keeps me alive.
So long.....Tine
  
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Menschen, die nur arbeiten, finden keine Zeit zum Träumen. Nur wer träumt, gelangt zur Weisheit. 
Smohalla (Nez Perce), indianische Weisheit.
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20.02.2004 15:10 |
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joke in English